Abstaining for 21 Days: Detox Diet Diary Day 10

It’s 8:55 p.m. Give you an inkling what my day’s been like? I’ve tried, whenever possible, to write this food journal in real time, as events unfolded or immediately following. Today, whenever possible wasn’t possible. Here’s how it all began . . .

In a Galaxy Far Far Away, a Detox Diet Battles the Blackberry
Once upon a time, there was a big girl who worked too late every night, woke up very early each morning, and never ever ever got enough sleep. Now, this girl used her Blackberry as her alarm clock. And every morning, it went off at 5:45 a.m. She set it for 5:45 a.m. because she liked to hit the snooze button once or twice. This allowed her to wake up slowly before actually dragging her sorry—and until her detox diet is over, way too large—ass out of bed. One morning, this big girl heard her little girl shout, “MMMOOOOMMMM!!!” She jumped out of bed, as anyone with 14 years in emergency-Mommy-preparedness is trained to do, ready to fix whatever disaster had befallen the little girl.

Her mommy radar on high alert, she quickly processes the following: her room is brighter than normal, on school days she always wakes her daughter from a deep sleep after showering and dressing herself, and she doesn’t remember her alarm going off. Watch check—she would have liked to look up and clearly see the time on her cable box, but Verizon doesn’t have those in stock! Apparently a clock is a dream your heart makes. 7:55 a.m. Excuse me??? Little girl is supposed to be at school—now. How is this happening? Process . . . process . . . process . . . The poor big girl’s brain is uncaffeinated, so her thought process won’t sharpen until coffee is administered. UUUGGGHHH!!! She realizes either her alarm didn’t go off, or more likely, she hit “off” instead of snooze. Careless mistake! The big girl doesn’t have the time, or patience, for that sort of thing.

So, the big girl and the little girl throw on their clothes, grab school books and laptops and winter coats, kiss Sadie goodbye, and fly out the door to grab a cab to school. The big girl alerted school of the delay, promised the little girl she would take the blame, emailed her breakfast meeting she would be a bit late—it already being 8:23 and the meeting at 8:15—and strategically applied makeup at red lights and traffic slowdowns. Huffing and puffing, she arrived at her breakfast meeting and all was well. She did declined anything but coffee, since her beautiful Fairy Foodmother Yvette had delivered detox diet meals each day using healthy recipes to make freshly prepared food. And that is a happily-ever-after ending everyone can share.

Use the Force and the Detox Cleanse Meal Plan!
So, twisted fairytale over, breakfast meeting over, quick trip to the dermatologist—10:15 appointment, 9:00 a.m. juice still waiting—then land in the office. Katrina’s still feels sick—I worry—hunt down pics of pigs. Dania says they’re yucky-looking. I want to say, You’re yucky-looking, but a) I’d be lying—she’s gorgeous; b) I’m not in kindergarten; and c) I can forgive her for anything, including insulting my poor piggies. Just don’t show this to Pebbles and Bam Bam.

Editorial flow humming along, meeting with Melissa, story review with Daniela, edit Lindsay H’s story that she filed at midnight—very grateful, plus it’s great, so doubly excited. Older child calls and says, “What do you want? Stop bothering me.” OK, snarky is definitely inherited. Yesterday, younger child admired my leather gloves with fur trim at the cuffs. Would you like to borrow them? Yes, where’d you get them? Someone gave them to me for my 40^th birthday. Oh, you mean they’re vintage. She didn’t really just say that with a straight face, did she? Wow. It was only after I raised an eyebrow—yes, I can raise just 1—that she smirked. Cheeky!

2:26 Yummy lunch—red lentil hummus in cabbage leaf. Takes about 30 seconds to eat, and that’s with making a concerted effort to savor it slowly! Everyone else had the roast chicken lunch special from the cheap and yummy place—I’m terrible with names—and I’m at peace with it. I’m not really hungry on this diet plan. Being able to reach for something 6 times a day is quite the diet meal plan. You don’t have much time in between to be naughty or even think about it. Practically before you finish 1 meal you’re on to the next.

Discuss story/video game plan with Lindsay. I swear, she pulls in more top names than someone with twice her on-paper experience. And her stories are better than theirs! Meet with Daniela, then dash home to make dinner for hungry older child. Wish Melissa good luck with her broadcast on my way out, but she won’t need it!

Phenomenal Food = Delicious Dieting
6:ish and I’m only an hour-ish late for lemonade. Not bad. Dinner for older child. Dinner for Sadie. Johanna calls, confused by my morning text about running late to drop off at school. Explain. Briefly. Must work work work. Mother calls, reminding me to call my brother to wish him happy birthday. His birthday’s tomorrow, I say, not having needed any birthday reminder. Mom: But he’s leaving for the week on an early flight. And??? I don’t get it. My brother hasn’t been without cell phone service since my brilliant sister-in-law decided they should honeymoon in Bora Bora—no cell phone service there.

Got sucked into the laptop, and yes, it’s 9:23 and I’m starting dinner now. It’s phenomenal. (What? You were expecting delicious?) Curry vegetable croquette and chopped greens. If there were anything in the bowl to lick, I would. Meanwhile, Sadie’s wound up like the Energizer Bunny, homework homework homework, and by the time I look up, need to get older child to go to sleep, emails, emails, emails . . . they’re like those little furry creatures from Star Trek. Get rid of 1 and a dozen more flood in to take its place. Sounds like what happens after most diets, doesn’t it? Get rid of 1 pound, and at a certain point, many come back to take its place. So, halfway through this cleanse I’m starting to think about life on the outside. Maybe Yvette wants to be a parole officer!—Nancy Rotenier

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Abstaining for 21 Days: Detox Diet Food Diary Day 8

food-cleanse-blog-day8 Anger Management (Not!) and the Detox Diet
OK, so remember how I mentioned that the best thing to distract you from hunger while dieting is to be insanely busy? I just discovered another distraction—white hot rage! Oh, that’s right. My charming little tech friends at Verizon seem unable to provide me with reliable service. Tonight? No WiFi. Even with my laptop next to the router. I GIVE UP! I’m so out-of-my-mind aggravated and upset that despite it being 10:12 p.m., I haven’t had my dinner—scheduled for 7:00. But I think we’ve pretty well established that I work on a sliding scale with the appointed times of my Joulebody detox diet meals. Tonight, you can marry insanely busy with furious.

A Healthy Start to My Day and My Diet
The day had started with the usual dose of workday calm before the chaos. In the office having finished my coffee—yes, still drinking—I had my morning juice, which tasted somewhat peppery. Purely observational, not unpleasant. Doled out help, advice, snarky comments to amazing 12-year-olds that I work with—they’re all under 26, I’m decidedly not—as Katrina filed “Oscar jewelry for less,” Lindsay and Daniela knocked out PageDaily Awards for the best drugstore makeup products and a related piece on makeup bags, Lindsay Hahn was working on a broadcast segment with Melissa based on our “gifts that give back” article, and Dania was photoshopping collages for all that had everyone ooh’ing and ah’ing. It was a good morning.

Call with another of my favorite people, Claudia—she’ll whip me into SEO shape yet! She’s very tolerant. Then, calls and calls and calls. Why does my phone ring more when I’m on deadline and don’t have time to breathe, much less chat?! At this point, it’s fair to say I never have time to chat. Luckily, friends are tolerant too—plus, they like my baking. I look up at 2:26 p.m. Huh. Apparently, 2:26 is the new 12:00—lunchtime! Yummy soup with shiitake mushrooms, Brussels sprouts, beans, and more. Staff meeting about production, meeting with Andy—the Lone Wolf—and Lindsay H. re: video slate/production, meeting with Melissa to review. Answer questions, calm anxieties, toss out story ideas, stifle own inner panic—need more hours in a day to even come close to finishing ANYTHING! But the only “free” time left is 2:00–6:00 a.m., and at the moment, that’s reserved for sleeping. But who knows? I did mention something about being flexible a few days ago.

Can You Spell . . . Floundering?
So, it’s 6:something, why is the office buzzing like it’s mid-morning? Dania’s gone goofy. It’s not her usual mimicking of other people’s speech. Instead, she’s cracking everyone up singing some rap twist on a song I am too sleep-deprived to remember, but there was a lot about chains and cold and who knows what. Gotta love a gorgeous girl with no self-consciousness about being silly. I work with the best people! (Fair warning about Dania: Do not go on seemingly innocent field trips to nearby pet stores with her in tow. She’s an enabler!!! I leave the office once in 2 years—ONCE!!!—and I end up with you-know-who. If for that and nothing more, I’ll love her forever. J)

Leave the office, and once home, I realize I’ve missed my appointment with the green juice and I’m close to 2 hours late on lemonade. You can guess which one I ditched. Laptop booted up, puppy and kids fed, study more vocab—clemency, floundering—pack up for school, PJs, read, brush, wash up. Bedtime, ding ding ding! Lights out, the list of to-do’s facing me is like looking at the face of Everest. But I can’t stay back at base camp. Forging ahead, I’m about to start editing when . . . and yes, the Jaws theme song should be playing in the background as you read this . . .

Detox Diet Déjà Vu, All Over Again
Ironic that we’re back where we started—10:12 p.m. Because I’m back where I started with Fios—no WiFi.

Interrupt my leisurely—yeah, right—evening to shoot off a choice email to the previously discussed Paul Sullivan, he of the prerecorded customer service phone call at the height of my Fios crisis. Then, long call with Tara, which lasts until just before 1:00 a.m., during which time—shhhhhhhh, Yvette’s sleeping, no need for her to know, we’ll just keep it between us—I have my dinner. Hello!!! It’s a work of art—sliced yams, chick peas, and round carrot slices arrayed on top like a flower. It may be a small portion, it may not be chocolate, but it still put a big smile on my face.—Nancy Rotenier

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Abstaining for 21 Days: A Detox Diet Food Diary Days 5, 6, & 7

Phoebe-250 The Last Day of Diet Meal Delivery for the Week: Day 5
11:09 a.m. I’m at work. Katrina walks in from a fashion preview—how does she always manage to look feminine, exotic, and funky???—takes one look at my 9:00 a.m. juice bottle, dregs at the bottom, streaks of juice still clinging to the inside, and says: “This looks like barbeque sauce.” What does she know?! Uh oh, I’m starting to sound like a convert. It’s all rush, no play this morning. Racing home to take a conference call from there mid-afternoon. About to pack up, Melissa offers a ride—she’s headed my way for a lunch date. Grab very-sick-and-should-have-stayed-home-from-work Daniela and make her leave with me to go get into bed. She lives 2 blocks from me, so Melissa takes us both.

Midday Treats Not on My Healthy Eating Plan—Diet Coke & a Kiss from Phoebe
12:something or other. Stop off at parents (they live in my building) to steal a kiss from 1-year-old niece, Phoebe, who’s over for the afternoon. Kiss turns into coming to Aunt Nancy’s to see the puppy, Sadie. Mindy (my sister-in-law, Phoebe’s mother) calls them soul mates. They are ridiculously cute together. While wrangling puppy and baby, booting up laptop, answering call from the office, and nuking lunch—can’t wait, squash soup! I eat that in real life! Again, the look from my mother. Ignore. Final stories, hunt down phone code for conference call, respond to emails, grab soup and Diet Coke. So far, I have not relinquished my profound desire for coffee or Diet Coke. I am, however, only having 1 can a day. There’s so much drinking on the Joulebody diet cleanse—juices and soups. I mean, how much can 1 person drink? So, 2 cans per day (ok, sometimes 3) is definitely down to 1.

Detox Diet Food Journal Confession
4:47 confession: I am obviously schedule-impaired. I ate my 12:00 soup while on my 2:00 conference call, child arrives from school—she of the Fios/America’s Next Top Model meltdown. Must say her aversion to learning the new TV system is quite the boon—already a big reader, she’s read and then read more in the time she might have watched TV. Pack kids for weekend with ex, start 3:00 p.m. juice at 3:00 p.m. in some time zone, unfortunately just not the one I live in.

Kids both with ex, Sadie and I settle in for a night of fetch with her favorite little red ball, while I’m stationed in front of my laptop, writing this, editing, answer worried call from Howard—apparently Jamie has been calling and texting all week and I’ve been M.I.A. Obviously you haven’t been reading my blog, I respond, or you would know my radio silence was caused by my Fios disaster. Sorry sorry sorry. Feel terrible she worried, terrible I didn’t get back to her . . . sigh. I can’t keep up with my life. I spend my days apologizing.

Dinner was at 10:00 p.m. I know, I know. There is no 10:00 p.m. meal. I’ve learned to be flexible, this detox diet is going to have roll with me on that one, I guess. Skip the brownie—I’m actually too full, and stick with my cleansing tea instead. My treat will come in handy over the weekend, when I fly solo—no cleansing juices or diet meals from Joulebody. Wonder if Yvette has a support hotline—I’m starting to feel panicky. Bed sounds like a solution—and it’s 2:06 a.m. So it’s hardly a stretch to say I should call it a day.

Going Cold Turkey on the Delivered Detox Diet Meals—Days 6 & 7
Saturday and Sunday are a blur of work, phone calls, manicure with my mom, and a hot date with my best boyfriend Johanna and her husband Scott, who usually introduces me as his second wife. Poor guy is such a good sport—2 wives obsessed with shoes and chocolate. It’s not easy being him. I actually left the house on a Saturday night (or any night, since I work until 2:00 a.m., 7 days a week, writing and editing). We were seeing True Grit—Coen brothers plus Jeff Bridges? I’m in.

When Changing Eating Habits Means Eating the Same Thing
Ate identically both days—for me, diet meals are goal-oriented, not gourmet experiences. Function trumps form every time. So, for breakfast both days, I had a bowl of my kids’ organic whole-grain honey-nut cereal with skim milk—had to skip the nonfat yogurt that goes with. I don’t do yogurt, or pudding, custard, mousse, etc. Nothing creamy, gooey, or foamy. It’s a texture thing. And thus far, my desire—NEED—for coffee has not left me. Yvette, Joulebody’s founder and all-around superwoman, said to just go with it. Have it if I wanted, but at some point she expected I wouldn’t. Still waiting . . .

My Daily Meal Plan Doubles to Cover Two
On the way back from the manicure on Saturday, stopped at Columbus Deli—my alternate meal source!—and got a raw-vegetable salad with sunflower seeds and raisins, per the detox diet meal suggestion. Chopped, no dressing, and I’m out the door for $6.75. Given the portions Yvette had been doling out all week, I knew I could split the salad and have lunch for both days. Even cheaper. The salad? Delish . . . for a salad. If left to my own devices, I’d rather eat a cheeseburger and fries.

Date Night Delays My Diet Meal
Edited stories all afternoon, snacked on the most delicious orange cherry tomatoes I’d bought at Fairway, had some detox tea, and then hopped in the shower before heading out to the movies. UGH!!! I forgot about dinner and I’m going to be late. Oh well. Dinner sacrificed temporarily in the name of “date” night. I’ll deal with dinner after the movie.

Movie over, typical wonderful Coen brothers out-there, eccentric vision. Love. Home, got sucked into the black hole that is my laptop. Started editing and by the time I looked up, it was too late to think about, deal with, or otherwise entertain the notion of dinner. Bed.

Sunday Is Day 7 of My Weekly Meal Plan Detox Diet
Sunday was more of the same—cereal, working, blah blah blah . . . Sadie drove me to distraction barking at my bedroom door a good part of the day. Huh??? I opened the door several times so she could confirm there were, in fact, no dangerous intruders, vermin, or otherwise unwelcome visitors to the apartment. Didn’t help. The other half of yesterday is a blur of articles, emails, phone calls, and the Oscars playing in the background, although I must confess, I didn’t look up too often from the articles I was working on, and the volume was so low it might as well have been on mute. Honestly, I’m not all that interested in hearing a bunch of people I don’t know thank a lot of other people I don’t know. I just want to see the pretty clothes.

Delivered Detox Diet Meals: Ready for Week 2 of My Food Diary
The nice delivery man had stopped by earlier in the evening with my Joulebody diet meals for the week. My fridge and freezer nicely stocked with my detox cleanse needs, I was at peace. Unsweetened sweet dreams awaited, knowing that in the morning, I could just pop the top on breakfast and hit my day running.—Nancy Rotenier

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Abstaining for 21 Days: A Detox Diet Food Diary Day 4

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Crying, Coffee & Customer Service: Day 4 of My Healthy Diet Food Diary Begins
8:37 a.m. and it’s pre-juice cleanse time. Nothing until 9:00 a.m. I need coffee, as in NEED coffee. Gotta love my pink espresso maker. Actually, everyone loves my pink espresso maker. I should sell them, but Illy might get a little ticked. So, do you think my sobfest over my Fios debacle yesterday has anything to do with the cleanse? I was thinking about that this morning while on hold for a Verizon manager. I’d already spent a solid half hour on the phone with someone at Verizon to try to get them to commit to a more precise time than ANYTIME between 8:00 a.m. and 8:00 p.m. I’m sorry. Does anyone at these companies realize that their customers work at other companies that require them to SHOW UP??? Honestly! Not to mention, I’d already lost a day—and night—of my life to them and the installation that wasn’t. (If you missed my Detox Diary Diet Day 3, I know, you’re lost. Go read day 3; this will be here when you get back.) So, as I was saying, I’m now on hold for a manager because Verizon staffer number 1 said the best Dispatch could do was “sometime” this afternoon. Dispatch and I were not going to be friends. That much was clear. What was also clear? Time to ask for the manager.

Kickstart Upends My Eating Habits & My Emotions
While I was on hold, it seemed like a perfectly reasonable time to have a mini breakdown. Tears streaming down my face, poor Sadie looking at me going, “Just play with me, ok?” And the whole time I’m crying while waiting for the manager, I’m also thinking about how totally ridiculous I’m being. Yes, I was aggravated (well, OK, infuriated), but no one was sick, or hurt, or worse. It was just 1 giant pain in the ass and a complete—and unnecessary—waste of time, something I have even less of than money! It hit me. Maybe this is what Yvette meant when she warned me about the Kickstart cleanse bringing out negative feelings. I’m not usually touchy feely that way, and I am most definitely a crier—very cathartic! But maybe . . .

Meanwhile, My Verizon Savior & Grabbing My First Diet Meal of the Day
My new favorite person—Michelle the Manager at Verizon—picked up, said she would talk to Dispatch to try to get them to commit to an early time, and would call me back. She did. They’ll be here in half an hour. She can’t do anything about the 2 of my 3 new cable boxes that now don’t have clocks on them—a huge problem!—but she sympathized, saying customers are really complaining about it. Note to Verizon—if all of your customers are unhappy about something, it’s usually a good idea to fix it! Well, it’s 9:04, I’ve had half of my Americano, and I can go grab that first juice of the detox diet day feeling a bit calmer than before. Maybe today will be better all around . . .

9:41 a.m. Random observation: Is this morning’s juice more sweet and delicious because it’s from a different batch? Or are my taste buds sharpening with the absence of all things animal and artificial? Tawk amongst yourselves!

10:37 a.m. Verizon repair guy is still not here. Maybe I don’t speak Fios? In their language, seems like a half hour means wait 2 hours and then force your already VERY dissatisfied customer to call for the 5th time in 12 hours. Nice.

Keeping a Food Journal & Keeping a Diet Meal Schedule—Guess Which Is Easier?
3:52 p.m. You can’t begin to believe this day. I can’t. I’m about to have my noon meal. Obviously, the keeping-to-the-schedule momentum has taken a down-Everest turn! Verizon showed up at 11:30 or so. Same 2 very nice men from yesterday. At least I didn’t lose time giving them the house tour. They went straight to work while I dealt with delayed copy, writing teasers, multiple phone calls with Tara, Melissa, Dania, et al.—and emails. Why is my inbox hit with an email tsunami every time I turn my back? At some point, my phone rings. The land line. Halleluiah! I HATE talking on my Blackberry—so uncomfortable! Anyway, phone fixed, then the remotes for the TVs. I don’t bother to ask what was wrong with any of it. If it works, I’m good.

Oh Where, Oh Where Has My Diet Meal Gone?
It’s 1:50 at this point, and I know they’re going to tackle the internet next. But I’m supposed to leave by 2:15 or so to be at a meeting downtown by 3:00. Not looking likely. How does Verizon get to kill 2 days I didn’t have to spare?! Somewhere in the back of my mind, I process my stomach is growling. Oh, right, hunger. I know what to do for that. Head to the fridge looking for Day 4 lunch concoction. Nada. Hmmm. Then, I remembered that Yvette said to freeze the meals that were later in the week. Great. 2:30 p.m. and lunch is giant green block of ice. With a small shiver of guilt, I stick the jar of frozen green soup in the microwave—Kickstart’s guidelines recommend stovetop reheating. Great work if you can get it. Meanwhile, I’m lucky to find 5 seconds to scarf something down—it’s microwave or nothing. Gingerly, I nuke the soup in 20-second intervals on medium, convinced that if I blast it per my usual microwave overkill, the jar will explode. Not as concerned about potential implosion as I am at the thought of being left without lunch.

Yvette’s Kickstart Plan Has a Schedule—Verizon? Not So Much
Verizon Math—My new best friends leave by 2:45. Everything works . . . for now. In the 29-plus hours since this whole ordeal started, this is the breakdown: 11 hours with Verizon workersin my house, 5 hours on my Blackberry (remember, no house phone) with Verizon customer service and/or tech support, 2½ hours waiting for them this morning. And in the ultimate irony, my now-working phone rings for the first time with a prerecorded call from Paul Sullivan (he helpfully spells it for you), Vice-President of Customer Service for Verizon, offering his email address for feedback about my Fios installation experience. Just wait ’til he gets my email. I do want to say, in all fairness, that every single Verizon employee I dealt with went out of their way to be nice and helpful—despite my often weepy, panicky, angry, frustrated tones of voice. Maybe they will be NICE enough to reimburse my plan for the 29 hours of nonstop Blackberry minutes this debacle ate up.

Major Model Meltdown. Is It Bedtime Yet?
Back at the ranch, we’re rushing, deadlines, deadlines, deadlines. I’ve already told Tara and Melissa I’m out of commission for the meeting. Read the tests of today’s stories—still haven’t eaten lunch—when children arrive from school. My mother in tow, they storm in, talking over each other about hungry, homework, new teacher, Happy Anniversary Grandma and Poppy . . . and then, the hysteria. One apoplectic because the remote still won’t control the volume, the other in tears because an entire season of America’s Next Top Model on the old DVR has been sacrificed in the name of Verizon. Plus, Disney on Demand is “gone” and all the channels are different numbers. Apparently, this qualifies me as world’s worst mother, ruiner of lives who never does anything nice for anyone. I’m at peace with that. I offer snacks and TV help, while reading the final test. Why does it feel like 10:00 p.m. already?! Oh yeah, wishful thinking!

It’s Not Easy Drinking Green: Delivered Diet Detox Meals Go Monochrome!
By 3:45, I’m happily sipping my soup—this sipping thing is working for me. A purée of green vegetables with some chickpeas in the mix for texture. Chewing is a good thing. Only problem: I can’t face another green drink, 3:00 p.m. is always green, so I have some of the detox tea I made, but never got to finish. I need a different color for a bit.

Without Delivered Detox Diet Meals, Will I Stick to a Healthy Eating Plan?
It’s been a long bit. Spoke with Lindsay H—not to be confused with Lindsay L (apparently, I collect Lindsays; it’s a good thing)—about broadcast segments, then Daniela. The misery over Verizon has temporarily subsided with the distraction of a good book. And, I cracked open the green juice at 6 o’hell-I-can’t-believe-how-late-I-am. Again, the taste bud thing. Is this 3:00—6:00 in Nancy time—juice actually sweeter or does it just seem that way? Not complaining. I live for sweets—my mother could eat half an Oreo and be full. Me? Don’t ask. But I have to tell you, I’m not having any cravings. Not sitting here counting the minutes until this is over, fantasizing about the Chinese takeout and ice cream and M&Ms I will “treat” myself to then. I’m actually curious about what I’ll do—and for how long—once mydetox cleanse is at an end. For now, I’m anxious about the weekend. Tomorrow is detox diet day 5. After that? I’m flying without a net all weekend. Yvette wants people on the Kickstart program to learn from the get-go how to “cope” in the real world—as in—she’s not going to be preparing my every meal. Maybe I can get some sort of lifetime subscription?

Busy Busy Busy with a Diet Meal Here & There
Ok, I have to pause here—9:55 p.m.—and tell you how insanely delicious dinner is. Seriously, I want the recipe! Adzuki & Spinach Stew. Pretend you don’t notice I’m eating it 3 hours late. Since the green juice, I made each child dinner—of course, not the same thing! What were you thinking?! Then, harass about homework, begin to plow through 300 emails, answer a call from parents—who’d gone out to dinner—asking if we needed anything from the outside world, edit articles, insiston showers, talk to Tara, make pasta for hungry child, consult on tomorrow’s “themed” outfit for a school activity, tuck in, sing 2 songs, hugs and kisses. Phew. And I’m full. I’ve been writing and editing and emailing while I cleanse/eat dinner and I just realized that even with some leftover, I’m totally satisfied. That happens on diets about as often as me working out. NEVER.

Can’t Deprive Myself of My Healthy Chocolate Brownie
When it’s 1:35 a.m. and you’re still working, you know it’s been a long day. But I have much more energy and feel my usual awake-at-a-ridiculous-hour self. So, the sleepiness of the first few days of the detox cleanse seems to have passed, for now. Given the delay of every single juice and meal, save 9:00 a.m. today, is it any surprise I had the 8:00 p.m. brownie at 1:00 a.m.? Hope I don’t have to count it against day 5!—Nancy Rotenier

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Abstaining for 21 Days: My Detox Diet Food Diary Day 3

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The Oscars: Putting a Serious Cramp in My Cleansing Style
10:something a.m. And you can already tell what kind of day it’s going to be, if I’m getting to the 9:00 a.m. juice this late. And you would be right. It had already been a crazy morning, and we were barely getting started! One child dropped off at school, the other’s homework dropped at same—he emailed from my ex’s, no explanation, no thank you. Just attachments. Apparently my telepathic mommy powers would guide me. So, that done, plus 10-minute chat with friends in the school cafeteria. Heidi: “I’ve been reading your blog on the site. Are you really doing that?” I told you I was trying to fly under the radar on this one! Then, Johanna (best-“boyfriend” ever!): “I got you a present.” Only Johanna could find me a Jane Austen finger puppet while on her they-ski-but-me-never-again family weekend at Jiminy Peak.

Cabbed home with Heidi, fell a little in love with the driver who called me princess and laughed when I asked if he’d please tell my kids! Always puts a smile on my day when someone shares a little nice. Walked in the door of my apartment, and unfortunately, the day didn’t end there. Saw child’s school-play script on the kitchen table, a slight problem given the once-a-week rehearsal is today. Call school—please lend her a script so I don’t have to send my overworked, underpaid staff (my parents!) to school with it. They would be otherwise occupied manning my apartment while I went to the office.

Food Cleanse Is a Breeze Compared to Fios—Nightmare!
Fios is coming. Fios is coming. The electrician installed the outlet they were supposed to install last week because Verizon was coming today and needed the outlet. NOT a fan of last minute. I’m more the “what are you doing for lunch 12 years from Tuesday” type. While all subcontractor hell breaks loose, I’m on the phone with our staff, tracking down Oscar gowns for a guest editor, finaling copy, trying to keep up with emails—and getting to juice 1. Got it! Call Dania—what picture should we put in the cleanse blog today? Idea, idea, idea—go! I take a few so-so pics on the Blackberry and email them to her. They’ll do.

Major nightmare with wiring and emptying the broom closet—my sacred stash of Diet Coke—plus raising my voice when my mother comments about my doing a 21-day detox cleanse. “Just don’t, OK?” was the gist of my response. Sadie, plus juice/meal, puppy equipment, laptop, handbag, child’s sneakers (which I now realize I forgot to tell my ex to pick up at the doorman—best email him that I’ll drop those at school tomorrow morning), and I was out the door.

Sometimes, a Diet Cleanse Is 2 Steps Forward, 1 Back
It’s 2:27 p.m., and I’m about to eat my noon meal. Remember yesterday’s excitement about being closer to the detox diet schedule? Pride cometh before the fall! Big time. But let’s discuss for just 1 sec about how delicious it was. Well worth the delay. Red lentil hummus wrapped in cabbage. Who knew?! Knew Dania would love it and made her taste—I’m seriously so annoying! She did love it, though. Daniela said my skin looked great. Tara said I looked lighter. Lindsay said she was having fun reading these blogs. Made her promise to tell me if they got boring. More Oscar gown searching—I don’t think I looked this hard for a wedding dress! (Dior, btw, very spectacular in a John Singer Sargent sort-of way). Post-NY-Fashion-Week staff debrief, several calls from child protesting a scheduled visit to the orthodontist, 3:00 green juice, Daniela sniffed, Tara ran for cover—if it’s not run-over-by-a-truck-well-done chicken, she’s not interested. She took Sadie and walked away!

Late for Lemonade: My Predicted Favorite Cleansing Juice
Bolted into the house after 6:00, only to find Verizon had already left. Loudly aggravated with poor, harassed mother, who forgot to call and tell me when they were leaving. As I try to drink the lemonade, I manage a few sips here and there, between discoveries of the myriad problems left behind by my Fios upgrade. I’m sorry. Why did I sign up for this again? My phones didn’t work, my WiFi connection went in and out, killing all hope of getting my usual zillion hours of work done tonight (including not being able to talk to Melissa when she called at 9:00), the new remotes for the TVs didn’t control the volume, and there was a substantial delay between the pressing of a button and the appearance of the guide, channel change, whatever. Time to cry—4 hours on the phone with 3 different tech support people, each of whom “helped,” told me the problem was fixed, only to find out it wasn’t, or there was a new problem. Add to that no clocks on the cable boxes (that’s what was in inventory at the moment, according to a tech helper), and 1 cable box “installed” on top of my desk, which has now been rendered useless. I was on the verge.

It’s 11:00 p.m. Think I Can Still Eat My Diet Detox Dinner?
Hardwired to the internet at this point, having plowed through emails and sourced all of the Oscar dresses—thank you, Katrina!—talked to Tara, tucked in child, only to be scared senseless when he reappeared asking me to print something in the morning. Hmmmmmm. Too bad I can’t end here. There’s a certain symmetry I’m sure isn’t lost on you. However, 11:00 is for amateurs. I had copy to final and a blog post to write. Plus, dinner. Late, but so delicious. Vegetable croquette with chopped greens. One thing this cleanse has made me even more aware of—how the frantic pace of my life affects what I eat. I have to be able to grab what’s handy—no time for niceties. Right now, healthy foods and juices are readily available because someone else is making them and delivering them, and if you put it in front of me and don’t make me prepare it or think about what I am, or I’m not, allowed to eat, I can stick to this, no problem. But when I’m responsible? I’m not so responsible.

Can I Still Have My End-of-Day Brownie Reward for My Day of Cleansing?
My laptop clock says 1:34 a.m. (remember, I no longer have a clock on my new cable box!). I think it may be time to shut down the house—and I’ve just noticed that my internet connection dropped—AGAIN!!! Seriously, I’m right next to the router. How awful is this equipment? Blood boiling. Not exactly the calm, rejuvenating day Yvette hopes I will have. You know it’s bad if we’re less than 12 hours in and all I can think is: I miss Time Warner. Let’s hope tomorrow is a better day—for cleansing, and at-home technology. Pony Express anyone?—Nancy Rotenier

Filed under Blog · Tagged with Diet Meal Plans Food Diary, Master Cleanse Detox Diets, Nutrition News, Women's Health News

Abstaining for 21 Days: A Detox Diet Food Diary Day 0

food-cleanse-blog

The Night Before Starting My Detox Diet
Ok, seriously, the things I do for you people. I’m T minus 10 ½ hours and counting. Tomorrow at 9:00 a.m., Eastern Standard Time, yours truly is embarking on an adventure (translation: sugar rehab torture) with a 21-day healthy diet cleanse. Yes, you read correctly. Me of the Food Police Fesses Up: My Snacking Confession blog post, detailing my life of sugar-addicted crime. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Isn’t It a Healthy Chocolate Addiction?
To put this in the proper perspective, I miss my long-lost college mug that read: Chocolate. It’s Not Just for Breakfast Anymore. One printed Nancy Rotenier couldn’t have been more made-just-for-me. I haven’t told anyone outside of work about my little project. Honestly, I’m a little—ok, a lot—nervous about it, and I didn’t think the incredulous laughter would boost my confidence. At work, Tara keeps saying, “I can’t wait to see this.” Can’t you just hear the smirk?! Dania, who sits next to me every day, asked if she could work from home while I’m doing the cleanse diet and breaking my chocolate addiction. Starting to get the picture?

Why the masochistic diet cleansing? Somehow, it just feels like the right time—as in 4-weeks-away-from-spring-break-in-Florida right time with a body more Burka-ready than bikini. Add to that the basic need to lose some weight, the still-new year, eating habits that have gone from eccentric to abysmal, my friend Stacey’s convincing diet detox article, and meeting Yvette Rose, whose Joulebody Kickstart food cleanse program I’m undertaking. A fellow nurturer of everyone from family to total strangers, her warm, low-key approach is really what won me over—that, plus her promise that I didn’t have to give up my morning triple-shot Americano or lunchtime Diet Coke during the cleanse. I know my limitations!

Enter My Delivered Detox Diet Meals
So, I just got my first delivery of my diet food plan—5 days worth of freshly prepared food and juices that look like they would fit into 3 shoe boxes. (Hmmm, now there’s an idea for an end-of-cleanse reward!) Into that teeny tiny space fits all that I am allowed to consume for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and snack, an all-day, all-night affair, as far as I’m concerned.

Except that Yvette doesn’t think in terms of breakfast, lunch, and dinner. She’s got another system entirely. My delivered diet “meals” came precisely labeled in recycled-glass bottles and other eco-friendly containers. The food delivery also included a detailed printout of the foods and juices and their ingredients for each day of the 5-day diet food plan this week—weekends, you practice what she preaches but make the foods and juices yourself. That way, you’re not left hanging at the end of the diet cleanse.

Here, a Peek at Day 1 of the Diet Detox Cleanse Plan:
9:00 a.m. Raw: Berry Chai Smoothie
12:00 p.m. Replenish: Brussels Sprout & Shitake Mushroom Soup
3:00 p.m. Green Joule: Green
5:00 p.m. Citrus Cleanse
7:00 p.m. Protein: Spring Detox Stew
8:00 p.m. Balance: Cacao Brownie

Allow Me to Translate for This Food Diary:
9:00 a.m. Brown Juice—I’m scared.
12:00 p.m. Vegetable Soup—Totally doable.
3:00 p.m. Green Juice—Going to pretend it’s green vichyssoise and eat it like soup.
5:00 p.m. Lemonade’s Cleansing Cousin—no brainer. I’m all over this one!
7:00 p.m. Another vegetable soup—I’m good.
8:00 p.m. Yay-I’ve-made-it-to-the-chocolate deal closer/better-go-to-bed-right-after-because-there’s-nothing-left-to-eat-today brownie.

To stave off what is starting to feel like my first-ever anxiety attack, I remind myself that the pre-diet cleanse email suggested stocking up on raw vegetables to eat in addition to the food that is delivered. Sigh of relief—at least if I’m ravenous, I can shove something in my mouth! And there was that vegetable soup recipe that accompanied her article, which said the soup, and the vegetables it’s made from, are also allowed when necessary, necessary being a euphemism for starving!

All snarkiness aside, I’m issuing a warning to all skeptics planning on forming a betting pool based on my failing my detox cleanse! I am highly motivated—I love my clothes and they’re just the teeniest bit—ok, a lot—snug right now. And when motivated, I have the willpower to forgo chocolate, French fries, and all other last-meal-on-earth favorites. But to get from here to there, I may be one cranky detox cleanser. Let’s just hope my family and friends remember I do, in fact, love them more than ice cream. Really, I do. Stop laughing.—Nancy Rotenier

Filed under Blog · Tagged with Diet Meal Plans Food Diary, Master Cleanse Detox Diets, Nutrition News, Women's Health News